Kevin Spence LLC

Want to Know How You Can Stop Your Divorce & Save Your Marriage?

How You Can Resolve Your Marriage Problems, Stop Your Divorce, & Save Your Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to get rid of your marriage problems and find the results and solutions you want, Pt. 6 – The Importance of Comfort, Pt. 2

Comfort is what I like to call a “heart & soul” connection. And before you start wondering how a wooey-wooey “heart & soul” connection is going to help you save your marriage; argue less; have less stress, more peace, & more fun; let me share with you why this type of connection is CRUCIAL in obtaining all three.

We are all created with what some would say is an innate need to be known by another and to know another on a deeply intimate level; that we were created for relationship, we were created for connection. Your marriage problems didn’t start by who forgot to pick up the dry cleaning; who’s taking the kids to the park; how the credit card bill is going to get paid; who cheated on who; or who started what argument.

Your marriage was over when one, and then the other, of you realized something: “I am not known. I feel alone; even when I am with my spouse there is a (profound) sense of loneliness.” Perhaps you haven’t even realized this on a conscious level; nevertheless, in you or your spouse’s heart and unconscious you or they feel lonely, invisible, unseen because you are lacking a “heart & soul” connection. This is the HEART & ROOT of why your marriage is ending. I’m not saying your spouse isn’t insensitive or rude or has moments or seasons of selfishness; what I’m saying is when you don’t feel heard, seen, accepted, valued, & known, you become more insensitive, more rude, & more selfish.

What I realized is the ability to give & receive comfort is what CREATES, SUSTAINS, & INCREASES a deep, intimate connection. And if you don’t begin developing this “deep, intimate connection” you will not be able to save your marriage. And,If you’re unable to give comfort it’s because you don’t fully know yourself. Therefore, your ability to truly connect to another in a real, meaningful & intimate way is impaired & limited. If you don’t understand you own experiences (including your: thoughts, beliefs, feelings, & behaviors) how can you hope to connect to your spouse in a real way?

Part of the point of receiving comfort (beyond feeling relief) is to help you develop a deeper understanding of your self. This lack of comfort (and self-understanding, inherently) leads to a sense of anonymity, & therefore, makes risky behaviors (including emotional or physical affairs) all the more likely since you or your spouse don’t experience a sense of being “seen”. This is also why, “The grass is greener on the other side.” – you or your partner doesn’t feel known; there’s no “heart & soul” connection.

Check out my next post where I break down the 5 aspects of comfort!
P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I’d love to hear your comments or questions! Either leave a comment or email me. If there’s someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and “Pass it on!”

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Success of Psychotherapy

There are various studies that have shown that psychotherapy has been non-effective for many people. They have claimed to have been subjected to it for years; yet no noticeable difference is realized. This is true for one out of every three people. While these reports may be true, there are also scores of patients that have been helped greatly by psychotherapy, and have nothing but gratitude to offer to the psychotherapists that helped them. Many wonder what the0 difference is between these two groups.

While psychotherapy is not an exact science based on mathematical equations that have only one possible outcome, when applied correctly, odds are, it should work. There are reasons however why it may be rendered ineffective and a complete waste of time. There are some requirements that must be met, for psychotherapy to remotely have a chance of helping the client:

Paramount among these is complete truthfulness on the side of the client. The same way a mathematician is only able to reach a correct hypothesis once all the variables have been presented, is the same way the therapist can reach a correct diagnosis, or at least one that is close to the truth. Sigmund Freud’s psychodynamic method is based on the theory that issues affecting people in their early childhood are likely to affect them as adults at a subconscious level. For the success of this method to be guaranteed, it is imperative that the patient or client is absolutely honest about their childhood. Anything other than that leaves issues hidden that could have been of great help, both to the therapist and the client alike.

The motivation of the client is also really important. The success of the program is determined by how dedicated the client is to the treatment. It is important that the client desires to be made well, and it is this factor alone that sustains drive to see the process through. Some clients have been known to abdicate half way through the process, especially if they did not start the treatment voluntarily in the first place. At some point they wonder why they are doing it and rationalize that it is not working anyway.

In many states, a psychotherapist is required to have training of 4-6 years to be accredited. The purpose of this is to ensure that the people treating our sick are in the least skillful in that field. In 2005, the Walter Bellin Partnership was swamped in controversy when Rebecca Lawrence, a patient that had just completed a self help course they offered, jumped to her death from an office window. The Walter Bellin partnership feigned ignorance of the whole incident to curb the bad publicity, but the family of the deceased broke the story. They stated clearly that before she committed suicide, Rebecca called the centre and they were in the process of helping her. This stands to show that the skill and experience of therapists is vital for the success of the program.

Finally, there are those other factors that are categorized under ceteris paribus; all factors remaining constant; the availability of resources to access good therapists, the much needed support from the family members and loved ones, and the ever important factor that is time. These factors may not drastically affect the numbers, but they are sure to make a difference. So for those in the California area, find a psychotherapist in Barkeley, CA